By Theodore Seeds, LMFT
A few years ago, at a seminar on healthy relationships, the speaker produced a single bathroom stool from behind her lectern. She then had a volunteer husband and wife attempt to stand together on its surface that might have been slightly larger than a piece of paper.
Predictably, the couple struggled to stay on the stool together. They had to ‘cheat’ by intermittently dropping one toe to the floor, temporarily balancing with a lone foot, and then lifting it up again, precariously sharing a space that would be cozy even for one adult.
How does that feel? the Presenter prodded, without a whiff of empathy for her laboring subjects.
Do you have room to grow?
Room to grow?! I can barely breathe! the wife responded.
You could hear the audience wising to the metaphor. The Presenter then produced two more stools from behind the lectern and placed them on the floor behind the first, creating a triangle. Now she instructed the husband and wife to each stand briefly on their own stools before extending one foot forward and creating a shared space on the third, original, stool.
Cue audible lightbulb moments from the crowd.
Years later, in my graduate program at USC I would come to know this concept as Yours, Mine, & Ours. Dr. Mary Andres, who has worked extensively with couples over the years, stresses the importance that each half of a relational dyad have their own distinct interests, hobbies, friendships, buckets that sustain them before coming together and sharing a space with a partner. This, she drives home, makes for a far stronger relationship and, frequently, a more passionate one. As Esther Perel says, fire needs air.