By Theodore Seeds, LMFT
And how does that make you feel?
Some therapists might shudder at hearing this question, such a hackneyed representation of what we do, it’s practically pulled from a Saturday Night Live sketch. Indeed, SNL did take aim at another cringingly ‘therapy-y’ technique when Stuart Smalley recited affirmations into the mirror. In terms of psychology tropes, millennials might more readily recall Ari Gold making a mockery of i-statements in couples therapy. But there’s something all three of these oft-parodied therapy techniques have in common: they’re actually effective.
First, let’s take that ageless therapy-room standard: “How does that make you feel?” This question might well be heard within the context of Emotionally Focused Therapy. EFT (often used with couples) is less concerned with the content of a dispute than it is the emotions involved. Each half of the relational dyad is asked to doggedly hone in on and seek to understand the felt experience of their partner in a given moment. EFT has shown a remarkable 70% recovery rate among distressed couples compared to the 35% sported by alternative interventions (Johnson, 2004).
Then there’s the ever-earnest Stuart Smalley and his affirmations. While even mental health professionals like myself can appreciate the humor of the sketch, affirmations (statements read about oneself, typically into the mirror on a daily basis) enjoy real-life empirical support in combatting depression (Peden, Rayens, Hall & Beebe, 2010). Key here, however, is that the statements fall at least in the realm of believability for the person speaking them. In fact, a 2009 study found that affirmations that ring egregiously false with the individual can be counterproductive (Wood & Lee, 2009). One I like to suggest to clients is “I like myself unconditionally and enjoy being the unique person that I am.” Again, absent are lofty adjectives that would make it difficult for (a depressed) patient to “buy” yet it gives them something to grow into.
Finally, we arrive at i-statements. Think of when your mom sat you and your brother down when you were young to resolve a dispute and made you each speak purely to the emotions you were feeling, while refraining from labeling each other’s behavior. “Ryan, when your football hit my art project, I felt angry.” It turns out your mom was more psychologically savvy than you gave her credit for; these types of structured communications have been shown to be highly effective in conflict resolution (Cheung & Kwok, 2003).
So there you have it, there’s a reason mental health professionals continue to employ these tried and true therapeutic techniques even in the face of robust (and yes, often hilarious) parody. They work.